o_jensmiles

12:18pm 09/07/2008

I've lost so much weight... I know this because the scale tells me... and the size 2 on my jeans reminds me... But when I look in the mirror, I still see the exact same person I saw last year. I still see the same imperfections and no differences between then and now... Does this happen to anyone else?
It kind of makes me feel sick because I KNOW I'm not "fat" but when I look in the mirror, fat is all I see...

Maintaining at 118... but I need to start losing again....

mood:

sad

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Taking a risk...
		01:02am 27/06/2008
	I've missed the inspiration in LJ so much. I was horrible to abandon you. I finally got the nerve to post some pictures of me. They're awful and I still feel like a fat cow. I need to lose the last 10-20lbs before I can really be happy and I think that's why I'm back here on LJ... I thought that by posting pictures, you could see how much of a change has happened over 7 months and those of you out there who are against pro-ana/pro-mia websites, can see how much happier I am when I am living with my ED, rather than when I'm forced to eat. Eating makes me fat!!!! So here I am, putting myself on the line to be eaten alive and for of you to pick at... it might help push me through the last 20 or so pounds... CLICK HERE
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Back from the dead... 118

11:28pm 26/06/2008

I haven't posted in... 26 weeks? Is that for real?

Well ladies and gentlemen... 118 and still losing...

It's taken me since November 2nd...

I'm sorry I haven't updated... Life has been crazy... I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because he didn't like who I was when I relapsed... I started dating a new guy who knows nothing about my ED... I eat around him just to make him think that I love food...

I'll update more once I find out how the rest of you are doing and read the 50 private messages in my inbox...

Love you all

mood:

rejuvenated

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146 but dying... cough cough
		08:58pm 21/12/2007
	Sorry I haven't been around to support you girls this week. I've been so sick. I hit 146.2 lbs today but know I am going to stop losing when I get better. Today was my last day of work before I start Grad School. I'm SO sad about it. I love my job, I love my boss and everyone I work with. I especially LOVE being the only female in the male world of construction and engineering. Anyway... Yesterday, a guy I work with brought me some samosas that he made. I felt bad and made myself eat it because I thought it would be rude if I didn't. Another group of guys who know I don't eat sugar bought me a shitload of chocolate. I wasn't sure if it was a joke because THEY KNOW I don't eat sugar... so I just said thanks instead of saying "WHAT THE HELL GUYS? IS THIS A JOKE?" Then I regifted it all tonight when I ran into an old friend! LOL THEN, today, one of my contractors bought me a coffee and put cream and sugar in it. I'm not sure why he didn't ask me how I wanted it, but I said thank you and drank some of it anyway. Only a little bit. A friend took me out to dinner tonight. I managed to get by with a salad by saying "omg, I've been eating all day! Every time I see someone they're putting food in my face...." BUT... on Monday/Christmas Eve, a contractor and some close co-workers want to take me to brunch. I'm a little worried because I know it's going to be a lot of carbs and sugary stuff.... I kinda want to cancel but I'm probably not going to because these are some pretty influential/important people in the industry and I am really lucky to have been able to work with them so I want to make sure I keep in contact with them. HOW DO YOU GUYS DEAL WITH ALL THIS FOOD THAT KEEPS GETTING SHOVED IN YOUR FACE?? Chocolates and gifts are fine because I can give them to other people, but what about the people who actually put food in your hand and say "You HAVE to try this! My wife made it for you because she knows how much you love spicy food". Or the ones who say "Just try a bite of this, it's SO good, you HAVE to try it..." and don't stop until you give in??? I HATE BEING RUDE but saying I'm "On a diet" to these guys (who KNOW how much I enjoy good food) is pointless and I can't even lie about allergies because they know.... ERG..
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150 ??? But I'm SO sick!

04:20pm 16/12/2007

I haven't been able to stop coughing since Friday... My poor boyfriend has had no sleep because every 10 minutes I go into a coughing fit and whenever I say "I'm going to go sleep in the other room" he gets mad and says "No, it's ok, stay here!"

So anyway... Yesterday morning I got up expecting not to lose any weight but I was down to 152...
Wasn't feeling well but ate a clementine (which is not on my "green list" but I decided to eat anyway because I needed something to help me fight this cold/lung infection)

I did a few little things around the house and then weighed myself again before I took a shower... it said 151... I was really confused because I haven't been at the gym since I've been sick and I had such a lazy day... I figured I was dehydrated or something... so I checked my other scale to be sure and and it too said 151. So I took my shower and had a cup of tea then checked the scale AGAIN because I found it REALLY hard to believe that I could be down 2 lbs seeing as I ate so much on Friday... and even after tea and with wet hair... 151.2 lbs... SO STRANGE.....

So this morning I got up thinking there was no way I could be down any more since I was down 2lbs yesterday...

BUT... I hit 150 today!
Thank God!!

I'm about 15lbs behind my original schedule and I am so worried about starting my Masters Program being a tub of fat lard that no one wants to talk to or socialize with...

I hope I can break the 150's tomorrow and start the week before Christmas in the 140's...

I hope I my body is making up for being so slow the last few weeks. That would be great...

HOPE YOU'RE ALL DOING WELL!!

mood:

confused

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Finally... 152
		03:54pm 15/12/2007
	Yesterday was my office Christmas Party. ( Quick Background On My Work... ) I was so worried because I haven't been to a buffet in years and I didn't know how to hide my ED. Basically I took a little bit of everything that was on my "GREEN LIST" and made my plate look full. Some of the guys made comments about not getting a lot of noodles and rice so I made a joke "No Man, those are just empty fillers... you gotta go straight for the good stuff!" and they laughed because they know that I enjoy food. So I kept track of everything I ate it was a lot and I felt like a friggin cow but it was still about a quarter of what everyone else ate.... ( HERE'S WHAT I ATE ) So I'm guessing I ate close to 500 cals since I don't know for sure (that's why I HATE eating out) The weird thing is, this morning I woke up a pound lighter again... this seems to happen to me a lot these days... It's not normal for me... So I'm a little confused... Anyway... 16 days to new years... I hope I can make it to 140... Good Luck Girls!!
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I'm so confused...

11:54pm 11/12/2007

Like I have said before... I defy biology... I should be a lab rat or something...
1. My period STOPPED... last night after I took the pregnancy test and it said "not pregnant" it started for like 5 minutes... it must have been relief or something... and then it just STOPPED... what the hell is wrong with me?
2. I was up .5lb this morning... how did I gain from eating so little yesterday? I should have at least lost SOMETHING... No? I always tell people that I gain weight from eating... like.. if I eat ANYTHING, I gain... It doesn't matter what it is... but if I eat even 100 cals and don't exercise at least an hour, I'll be up the next day... There HAS to be something wrong with me...

I'm officially 13.5 lbs behind the schedule I originally started... I think I need to reasses my goals and try some different methods of weight loss...

( Click Here for More.... )

I think I might eat graprefruit for the next 3 days and see what happens...

Any other ideas?

mood:

confused

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Update: 153lbs, less than 40 to go...

12:05am 11/12/2007

1st - I'm not even going to bother writing about what happened today because I'm just glad it's over....
2nd - The Christmas Party: I managed to get through the WHOLE night (a 5 course meal and open bar) like this:
1 glass of wine (my weekly limit) (I told everyone I was driving and wanted to be a good designated driver!)
2 glasses of diet coke (For the people who said: You can have more than ONE drink and still drive... so I lied and said it was rum and coke! *sneaky*)
3 spoonfuls of butternut squash soup (I told everyone it was too peppery... I LOVE PEPPER!)
4. a little bit of cheese inside of a pasta roll - mostly just mashed it on my plate (I told everyone that if I ate the pasta I'd be WAY too full to eat anything else, so I have to pace myself - but really pasta is not on my 'green list' so I wouldn't dare eat it!)
5. Chicken, Beef and Asparagus Main Course: Ate some asparagus and a small piece of chicken then told everyone I was 'mostly vegitarian but something eat a little chicken if it's mixed with stuff so I don't notice it...' THEN, it was great because people felt bad and said "wow I can't believe they didn't have a vegitarian option" and some other people said "well there was soup and pasta and a salad still to come.. they can just eat that" and it took everyone's attention off me! It was great!
6. The Salad: I took some salad and made it look like I was eating that instead of the other stuff, so I spread it out on my plate and ate a bit of it while everyone ate their meals...

Overall it was a successful night for me and my ED.

The best part was un-ED related. A guy I used to hang out with last year while my boyfriend and I were apart for the summer was there and didn't recognize me. Things ended with him REALLY badly...

I call it .... "The Worst Night Of My Life"

( Read more... )

You can read about it there if you'd like...

So anyway... He was there with a girl who looked like she was straight out of a trailer park! She was wearing a tube leppard print dress with knee high black leather boots and I made fun of her the whole night... I wish I had taken a picture.... But.. HE spent the whole night at the open-bar looking like a jack-ass... So as uncomfortable as I was being in the same room as him.. I could only think... WOW, I am WAY too classy to have ever associated with you! LOL

So how was everyone elses weekend??

mood:

content

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155 but I ate today...

11:45pm 05/12/2007

So I have been trying to force myself to eat and couldn't do it... I felt sick every time I looked at food.
Around noon today I decide to make some egg whites (25 cals) and mushrooms (2 of them). I ate a few pieces of mushrooms and a forkfull of egg whites but couldn't do it.

Later on I told myself that I HAD to go to the grocery store and get some things that I could eat without feeling guilty.
I got a ready made salad, some gum and a bottle of fizzy cranberry water (I don't like pop but it makes me feel full when I get hungry). Then I was trying to overcome my feeling sick thing so I went to the dairy isle and started reading labels on thing. I had no intention of buying anything dairy because mostly it's fat or unwanted cals... but I saw this Danon Silhouette Mouse stuff that I used to eat years ago. I had never looked at the label before but today I noticed:

70 cals per 100g service (same size as a yogurt)
no sugar, no fat, 6 grams of protein, and the vitamin content is pretty good too...

So I decided to buy some as breakfast meals because I think my weight loss slow down has a lot to do with me eating NOTHING for days... so I figure if I have one in the morning, it's enough protein for my body to feed on for the day if I can't eat bring myself to eat anything and since it's 70 cals, I can justify it as a meal...

Does anyone know any other sugar free, fat free, low cal snack-type things that might make ok meals?

Anyway, I ate about 6 bites of my salad and had a silhouette thing so I think my intake for the day is about 150-175 cals. At least it's better than nothing...

I hope I'm down to 153 tomorrow...

Hope you're all doing well!!

Think Thin!!

mood:

frustrated

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12:54am 05/12/2007

I'm so discouraged... 156.. That's 4lbs in 2 weeks... WTF!?

I got dizzy and fell in the mall today. It was so embarrassing... I was in sephora and took a step backwards, got dizzy and fell on my ass... nice eh?

I decided that I should try to eat something today since I didn't eat at all yesterday, but I couldn't. I even forced myself to leave the office and go to the grocery store to get a ready-made salad and when I got there and saw food, I started to gag and had to leave because I thought I was going to be sick... is that normal? it was salad for christ sake... SALAD!

So it's been 2.5 days since I have had anything to eat and I think I am completely broken. I haven't lost weight, I can't eat even if I try to force myself... and it's even hard to keep green tea and water down...

I wonder if anyone else has had this problem...

I hope I am down to 154 tomorrow... I really want to be 150 for Saturday at my boyfriends Christmas Party. I have a great black dress and high heal boots that I am looking forward to wearing. I showed my boyfriend and he said I look 20lbs lighter since all my weight is in my lower body... If I get up enough nerve, I might let him take some pictures and MAYBE I'll get up the courage to post them....

I hope all of you are doing well.
I really appreciate all your support and encouragement. I hope I am able to do the same for you guys too!!

THINK THIN!
THINK BEAUTIFUL!

mood:

nauseated

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Up again...

11:00pm 03/12/2007

So, on Saturday I ate... I lost weight and broke my plataeu... ok great. I finally got under 160... THEN yesterday I shovelled snow for hours. Burned over 1000 cals in addition to my regular daily calorie output... I didn't eat AND I'M UP almost 2 lbs!!!!!

I am getting so upset... I think I posted 3 times today... I am getting so desparate... I am thinking of doubling my thyroid medication so it will speed up my metabolism. I did it today and will probably see what happens this week... I'm not going to do it forever.. just long enough to get back on track...

I've had nothing but green tea today and if I am not down a little tomorrow I'm scared I might start cutting again.

I am so upset over this... I was so happy with my progress until last week.

Anyway... I thought I would make a list of all the foods I have on my list of things that I allow myself to eat when I feel like I am going to die if I don't have something... (which actually hasn't been that often...)

SO... here it is... JEN'S GREEN LIST

cucumber
celery
broccoli
asparagus
eggplant (small amounts)
green beans
green peppers
mushrooms (my fav)
bean sprouts
radishes
spinach
lettuce
spaghetti squash (actually haven't had it yet but it's on my list)
watercrests
egg whites (only 25 cals per serving and high in protien)
chicken breast
sugar free jello
green tea
peppermint tea
oolong tea
black coffee
4oz wine once a week instead of beer or cocktails when I'm out with friends
diet drinks (I don't like fizz though...)
Mrs. Dash for flavouring stuff
low cal italian dressing if I NEED something in my salad
Matzerella cheese once a week max (only 90 cals per serving but makes you feel full and is low in fat)
Lactoce Free (fat free) milk once a week max (Less than 100 cals per cup and makes you feel full)

All these things have very low GI levels and keep you in ketosis so you continue to burn fat even when you need to eat...

What I don't get it how I have stopped losing weight... maybe it's because I'm not eating again???

mood:

frustrated

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Plateau is officially over!!

05:05pm 02/12/2007

Breaking through 160 yesterday morning and waking up 158 was great. Especially since I hadn't lost anything in a week and I wasn't even eating.
THEN, this morning, after eating 2 small meals yesterday, I woke up 156!! No lax or anything. I think I was stuck because my body was desperate for something to feed on besides it own fat. So anyway... I am going to fast this week and then eat a little bit next weekend and see how that goes... I have a Christmas Party for my boyfriends work next Saturday and I don't want everyone to say "wow she's gained a lot of weight since last year! Poor Mike, I'd dump her fat ass if she were my girlfriend..." I bought a nice dress and I am hoping he's not embarassed by my weight gain...
I am still about 5 lbs behind my "Pound Per Day" Schedule but I might be able to make that up over the next 2 weeks or so...

So it snowed pretty bad last night and I got up early to shovel the snow. After sweating a bit, I decided to do my neighbours driveways as well. I was out there a few hours and checked www.caloriesperhour.com to see how many cals I burned and it was close to 1000. Not bad eh?

I felt good because I was buring cals while also helping out my neighbours AND getting fresh air.

Anyway Ladies, I hope you are all well !!
KEEP STRONG!!
THINK THIN!!

mood:

energetic

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Down 2 lbs!
		09:01pm 01/12/2007
	I finally broke the 160 mark and this morning I was 158! It took over a week to lose anything and I have hardly eaten anything in a month... not because I don't WANT to eat... but because.. I know what I can and can't eat... I just couldn't bring myself to do it... So I am actually a little bit happy today about getting past that milestone... I had to visit family for the weekend because it's my brother's birthday and that means.. FOOD... I was actually really worried about today but it wasn't HORRIBLE.... I thought I was going to be sick after having a small bit of soup and a piece of ham wrapped in lettuce... It's the most I have eatten in a long time... I had to force myself to keep it down and I did... so when dinner came around, I had a few bites of chicken, some lettuce and a fork full of my grandmothers apple pie filling.... Everyone else had pasta and stuff but I managed to avoid it by saying I wasn't feeling well... So today I ACTUALLY ATE... REAL FOOD... and it's stuff that won't kick me out of ketosis so I know I am still buring fat. I hope that it will help me get back on track to my "pound a day" losing steak... Anyway.... That is all for now...
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Getting Frustrated...

11:04pm 29/11/2007

I am still getting used to this LiveJournal thing... It is a little bit confusing and perhaps pointless because I'm not sure if anyone can actually read this...

But anyway... I have been SO frustrated this week because I have been doing so well averaging a 1 lb per day loss... Last week I was down to 162.6 and I thought FOR SURE, that I would be at 159 by last Saturday... It's been 6 days of hard work and I am only at 160.2. I am going INSANE. I went three days with nothing but green tea and some cucumber...

I've been checking my keytones and they are higher than ever but NO WEIGHT LOSS!!! I know it is water retention but I just want it to go away!!

I started a schedule last month and record my weight, keytone levels, a smiley, frown or indifference face and what I eat every day. It has my goal weights on it and up until last Thursday I was completely on schedule for my 120lb start on New Years Day... I want to start the New Year off right and now I am like 5 lbs behind schedule.... At this rate I will still be a blimp at Christmas...

HELP ME!!! Has anyone else ever hit a plateau that they can't get past?

mood: determined

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FIrst Post

01:28am 23/11/2007

Well, I am new to this internet community of ana/mia/edno. I have been ana/mia/edno for so long but in the last two years i have been a pig and have been depressed and lazy and stupid and destroyed everything I worked so hard for years to create. I feel like crap.

cw: 162
gw: 115
hw:196
lw: 106

I tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago. The hospital weighed me and I almost died when I saw that I had gained 90 lbs in 2 years. WHAT A COW!!!!!!!!!! I can't even imagine what other people must see when they look at me. They must all point and laugh and say "Look at that FATTY over there!!" Not to mention my friends... no wonder they don't call anymore... who would want to be seen with me.

So my ED ways came right back to me like an old friend after 2 years of... eating like a normal person I guess... One thing I know now is that I will never be normal. I will always have to rely on my ED to be thin because if I eat, I get fat and there is no way around that...

I have been really good for the past month, down 34 lbs. Today I cheated and had some fat-free milk in my starbucks tea. I punished myself by not having anything to eat or drink all day.

I'd like to meet some other girls who are in the same kind of situation. I don't have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff because very few people understand.

Goodnight.

mood:

sleepy

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